Why Is It Always Mum Who Remembers the Dentist? The Mental Load of Running a Family

Dr. Hannah Reeve: Here's a question I ask every couple in my practice. Not "who takes the kids to the dentist?" — but "who remembers that the kids need to go to the dentist?" Who notices it's been six months, finds a free slot, checks it against football practice, and makes sure somebody actually shows up? That second question is where the real conversation begins.

Oliver: Hello, and welcome to The Famiyo Table — the podcast about the real, everyday work of running a family, and how to make it a little lighter. I'm Oliver. I'm a dad of two, and I'd like to think I'm a fairly organised person. Although, in the spirit of honesty that this episode demands, I should confess something right at the start.

Oliver: Last spring, I bought a lovely birthday present for my son's best friend. Wrapped it myself. Proper bow. Very proud. And then my wife gently pointed out that the party had taken place the previous Saturday. Which we had attended. Together.

[Light laugh from Hannah.]

Oliver: So today's topic is, let's say, close to home. We're talking about the mental load — the invisible work of remembering, planning and keeping track of everything a family needs. And I could not have a better guest for it. Dr. Hannah Reeve is a clinical psychologist and a couples coach, and she's the author of The Weight Nobody Sees. Hannah, welcome to the table.

Dr. Hannah Reeve: Thank you, Oliver. It's a pleasure to be here. And I have to say, the birthday present story is a perfect opening, because it shows something important: you did the task beautifully. What slipped was the tracking. That's the mental load in a nutshell.

Oliver: Well, I'm glad my failure has educational value. Let's start at the beginning, then. What exactly do we mean by "mental load"?

Dr. Hannah Reeve: The simplest definition is this: the mental load is the work of thinking about the household, as opposed to the work of doing things in the household. Doing the laundry is visible. You can see the basket, you can see the folded shirts. But noticing that your daughter has outgrown her school shoes, that the winter jackets need to come out of storage, that the vaccination booklet needs to be found before Thursday — that happens entirely inside someone's head.

Oliver: So it's the to-do list behind the to-do list.

Dr. Hannah Reeve: Exactly. And it's not just a nice metaphor — it's been studied quite carefully. The sociologist Allison Daminger, in a study published in 2019, broke this "cognitive labour" into four stages. First, you anticipate a need — "the kids will need a dentist check-up soon." Second, you identify options — which dentist, which days are possible. Third, you decide — "Tuesday at four." And fourth, you monitor — you make sure it actually happens, and you follow up afterwards.

Oliver: And I'm guessing those four stages aren't shared equally.

Dr. Hannah Reeve: In her research, one finding stood out. Deciding was often shared between partners — couples would talk it through together. But anticipating and monitoring — the beginning and the end of the process, the parts that are most invisible — fell disproportionately on women. So in many families, one person spots the problem, researches the options, brings them to the table, the couple decides together — and then that same person quietly checks that it gets done.

Oliver: Which means the other partner experiences it as, "We made a decision together. Very democratic."

Dr. Hannah Reeve: [Warmly.] Yes. And they're not lying — from where they're standing, it really does look fifty-fifty. That's what makes the mental load so tricky. It isn't about one partner being lazy or unkind. Very often, the partner carrying less of it simply cannot see it. It's invisible by design, because the better you are at it, the less anyone notices it exists.

Oliver: That's a slightly painful thought. The better you do the job, the more invisible the job becomes.

Dr. Hannah Reeve: It's one of the cruellest features of it. Nobody thanks you for the crisis that didn't happen. Nobody says, "Wow, what a wonderful afternoon we had, and not once did we run out of nappies." [Beat.] Although, honestly, someone should.

Oliver: I'm writing that down. "Thank you for the absence of disaster." It could be a new family tradition.

Oliver: Let's talk about the "who." The title of this episode suggests the answer — in most families, it's Mum who remembers the dentist. Why is that? Is it biology, upbringing, something else?

Dr. Hannah Reeve: I'd put biology quite low on the list. There's no gene for remembering swimming lessons. What we see is mostly a mix of socialisation and habit.

Dr. Hannah Reeve: Think about how many girls grow up being praised for being "helpful," "thoughtful," "considerate of others' needs." Boys are often praised for independence, for focusing on one thing. None of that is wrong in itself. But by the time two adults move in together, one of them has often had twenty years of practice in scanning the environment for what other people need.

Dr. Hannah Reeve: Then a baby arrives. And very often, the mother takes the longer parental leave. She becomes the one who knows the feeding schedule, the paediatrician's number, which vest is too small. That expertise builds up quickly. And after a year, a natural pattern has formed: she's the one who knows, so she's the one who's asked, so she's the one who keeps knowing.

Oliver: It becomes a self-fulfilling system.

Dr. Hannah Reeve: It does. I call it "the default parent drift." Nobody sits down and signs a contract that says, "You will now be responsible for all birthday presents until the children leave home." It just drifts that way, one small decision at a time.

Dr. Hannah Reeve: And I want to be fair here: this isn't exclusively a mother's experience. I work with fathers who carry most of it. I work with same-sex couples, where it's usually just as unbalanced — it simply lands on whoever became the default. And single parents carry all of it, with nobody to share it with. But statistically, in heterosexual couples, it is still most often the mother.

Oliver: There's a phrase I think many listeners will recognise, because I'm fairly sure I've said it myself. "Just tell me what to do, and I'll do it."

Dr. Hannah Reeve: [Small laugh.] Ah, yes. The most well-intentioned sentence in family life.

Oliver: It sounds so helpful!

Dr. Hannah Reeve: It is meant helpfully — and I always say that to couples, because the partner who says it usually means it sincerely. But think about what it actually communicates. It says, "You are the manager. I am the assistant. Your job is to notice, plan and delegate; my job is to carry out instructions." The French cartoonist Emma drew a comic about this back in 2017, called "You Should've Asked," and it went around the world, precisely because so many people recognised themselves in it. The point was that having to ask is itself the work. Delegating is a job. Being a project manager is a job.

Oliver: So "just tell me what to do" is a bit like hiring someone to help you run a company, and their first question is, "Right, where's my desk, and what's my password?"

Dr. Hannah Reeve: [Laughs.] Every single morning. Yes, that's a very good analogy.

Oliver: Let's talk about what this does to people. Because on the surface, it sounds like a list of small things. A dentist appointment. A permission slip. A present. How heavy can that really be?

Dr. Hannah Reeve: Individually, very light. Together, very heavy. The problem isn't any single item — it's that the list never closes. Psychologists sometimes talk about "open loops" — unfinished tasks that the mind keeps returning to. When you're carrying the mental load for a whole family, you might have forty or fifty of those loops running at once. You're in a work meeting, and a small part of your brain is thinking, "Did I sign up for the school bake sale? Is there anything in the fridge for dinner? When does the car insurance renew?"

Oliver: It's like having dozens of browser tabs open in your head.

Dr. Hannah Reeve: And they're all playing music. [Beat.] In my practice I see three main consequences.

Dr. Hannah Reeve: The first is exhaustion — and it's a particular kind of exhaustion, because the person often can't explain why they're so tired. They haven't run a marathon. They've just been "thinking about stuff" all day. So they feel they have no right to be tired, which makes it worse.

Dr. Hannah Reeve: The second is resentment. And resentment is very quiet at first. It shows up as a sigh, a sharp tone over something trivial — "You didn't even notice we're out of milk?" But it isn't really about milk. It's about feeling alone in the responsibility.

Dr. Hannah Reeve: And the third, which I think is the most serious, is a loss of partnership. When one person becomes the family's manager, the relationship can slowly shift from two partners to a supervisor and an employee. And, as you can imagine, it's quite difficult to feel romantic about your line manager.

Oliver: [Laughs.] Yes, "Performance review at eight, then candlelit dinner." It doesn't have the same ring.

Dr. Hannah Reeve: It really doesn't. And the partner carrying less of the load often feels criticised and confused — "I do help! I did the dishes, I did bath time!" — and they're right, they did. So both people end up feeling unappreciated. That's the moment many couples come to see me.

Oliver: What's the first thing you say to them?

Dr. Hannah Reeve: I usually say: "Nobody in this room is the villain. The problem is that half of the work in your household has no name, no list and no owner. Let's give it all three."

Oliver: Let's get practical, then. A couple is listening right now — maybe driving to work, maybe folding laundry — and they're recognising themselves. What can they actually do this week?

Dr. Hannah Reeve: Step one is what I call the "brain dump." Sit down together — ideally without the children, and ideally with a cup of tea rather than a glass of wine, because this can get emotional — and write down everything it takes to run your family. Not just "cook dinner," but "plan the week's meals," "check what's in the fridge," "notice when we're running low on things." Not just "birthdays," but "remember the date, choose a present, buy it, wrap it, RSVP to the party, work out who drives."

Oliver: And check that the party hasn't already happened.

Dr. Hannah Reeve: [Laughs.] That's an advanced step, but yes, very important.

Dr. Hannah Reeve: Most couples are genuinely surprised by the length of that list. Often it's the first time the partner carrying less has seen the full picture — and it's the first time the partner carrying more feels seen. That moment alone can change the tone of a relationship.

Oliver: And step two?

Dr. Hannah Reeve: Step two is to share ownership, not just tasks. This is the key distinction. If I own "the children's health," I don't just drive to the dentist when I'm told to. I notice when the check-up is due, I book it, I put it in the calendar, I go, and I book the next one. The whole loop, from beginning to end.

Dr. Hannah Reeve: The author Eve Rodsky makes a similar point in her book Fair Play — she describes every household task as having three parts: conception, planning and execution. If you only hand over execution, you haven't really handed over anything. The mental load stays exactly where it was.

Oliver: So instead of splitting tasks, you split whole areas of responsibility.

Dr. Hannah Reeve: Exactly. "You own school communication and kids' clothes. I own health appointments and birthday parties." And then — this part is crucial — the other person has to actually let go. No checking, no redoing, no "just making sure." If your partner owns the dentist and chooses a different dentist than you would have chosen, that's okay. The children's teeth will survive.

Oliver: That's hard for some people, I imagine.

Dr. Hannah Reeve: It's very hard for the person who's been carrying everything. When you've been the safety net for years, stepping back feels risky. But if you keep hovering, the other person never builds the skill — and you never get the relief.

Oliver: And step three?

Dr. Hannah Reeve: Step three is getting it out of one person's head and into a shared system. Because a head is a terrible place to store a family's schedule. It's private, it's fragile, and it goes to bed tired. What you want is a single place that everyone can see — both parents, and, as they get older, the children too.

Oliver: This is where I have to put my cards on the table, because this podcast is made by the team behind Famiyo, and the family calendar is something we think about a lot.

Oliver: In our house, the turning point was very unglamorous. My wife and I sat down one Sunday evening and moved everything — the dentist, football, piano, school trips, the car service, grandma's birthday — out of her head, off the fridge, off three different sticky notes, and into the Famiyo calendar. Each of us has our own colour, so at a glance you can see who's responsible for what. And the reminders go to whoever owns the event — not automatically to her.

Dr. Hannah Reeve: And that last point is more important than it sounds. From a psychological perspective, a shared calendar does two things. First, it takes the load out of working memory — you no longer have to hold the information, because it's held for you. And second, it makes the invisible work visible. When you open a colour-coded week and three-quarters of it is one colour, you don't need an argument. The picture speaks for itself.

Oliver: It's a very polite way of having a difficult conversation.

Dr. Hannah Reeve: It's a very factual way. And facts are much easier to discuss than feelings like "I always have to do everything." Couples can look at the calendar together and say, "Okay, this week is heavily yours. What can move to me?"

Oliver: We also started using the chores feature with our kids. Our eldest is nine, and she now has her own tasks in the app — feed the cat, pack her swimming bag the night before — and she earns points for them, which she can exchange for rewards we've agreed on together. Currently, the most popular reward is choosing Friday's dinner. Which, I have to warn you, means we eat an alarming amount of pancakes.

Dr. Hannah Reeve: [Laughs.] There are worse fates. But that's actually wonderful, and I'd encourage every family to do something similar. Involving children isn't only about sharing the practical work. It's about raising a generation that sees the mental load as normal, shared, family work — not as something that magically happens because Mum is around. A child who learns at nine that swimming bags don't pack themselves becomes an adult who notices when the milk is running out.

Oliver: The future partner of my daughter will thank us.

Dr. Hannah Reeve: They will. Very much.

Oliver: One more thing I'd add — and then I promise I'll stop talking about the app — is the weekly check-in. Every Sunday evening, we open the calendar together for ten minutes. What's coming this week? Anything unusual? Who's got what? It sounds formal, but it's really just ten minutes with a cup of tea.

Dr. Hannah Reeve: That habit is gold. I recommend exactly that to my clients. A shared tool only works if you look at it together. The calendar is the map, but the weekly conversation is where you actually agree on the route.

Oliver: Hannah, before we finish, we have a tradition on The Famiyo Table: a quick rapid-fire round. Short questions, short answers. Ready?

Dr. Hannah Reeve: Ready. I think.

Oliver: One sign that the mental load in a relationship is unbalanced?

Dr. Hannah Reeve: One partner asks, "Where is…?" much more often than the other.

Oliver: The most underrated sentence in a relationship?

Dr. Hannah Reeve: "I noticed, and I've already handled it."

Oliver: The most overrated one?

Dr. Hannah Reeve: "You should have just told me."

Oliver: One thing the partner carrying more can do tonight?

Dr. Hannah Reeve: Hand over one whole area — beginning to end — and resist checking on it for a month.

Oliver: One thing the partner carrying less can do tonight?

Dr. Hannah Reeve: Ask, "What's on your mind this week?" — and then listen without defending yourself.

Oliver: And finally: who should remember the dentist?

Dr. Hannah Reeve: [Smiling.] Whoever owns it. And the calendar should remember it too.

Oliver: Dr. Hannah Reeve, thank you so much. This has been one of those conversations I think many couples will want to listen to together — ideally with the full brain-dump list open on the kitchen table.

Dr. Hannah Reeve: Thank you, Oliver. And if I can leave your listeners with one thought: the mental load is not a character flaw, and it isn't proof that anyone loves their family more or less. It's work. Real, skilled, valuable work. And like any work, it becomes lighter when it's named, shared and appreciated.

Oliver: Beautifully put. Named, shared and appreciated.

Oliver: To everyone listening — if this episode made you think of someone, send it to them. Possibly with a thank-you note for all the disasters that didn't happen.

Oliver: And if you'd like to try what we talked about today — a shared, colour-coded family calendar, with reminders that go to the right person and chores the kids can actually enjoy — Famiyo is free to download on iOS and Android. You'll find the link at famiyo.app and in the show notes.

Oliver: I'm Oliver, this has been The Famiyo Table, and next time... well, next time, I'll try to arrive at the birthday party on the right day.

[Hannah laughs. Theme music up, 10 seconds, fade out.]